The Notes Read online

  Insanity is hereditary—get it from your children.

  Govt. programs like old soldiers never die—but neither do they fade away.

  Roughly you can divide people into 2 classes—those who still possess the fierce hunting instinct & those who pay to park their cars.

  A smart husband knows exactly the right thing to say when he quarrels with . . . wife but if he’s really smart he doesn’t say it.

  And now a man who needs no intro.—he didn’t show up.

  Man who changed Drs. told a friend the new one had him on iron tablets, iron shots, and a once a month intravenous iron injection. “And you feel better?” “Only when I’m facing north.”

  The farmer slowed down [at the] Dr.’s orders—couldn’t pay the Dr.—lost the farm.

  Baseball rookie—catcher talk—pitcher: “never mind I’ve pitched to this guy before”—catcher: “I know—in this inning.”

  The good years—when the kids were old enough to cut the grass & too young to drive the car.

  Used to tlk. out prices over cig. & coffee—now cigs. and coffee are our prob.

  Adolescent kid—old enough . . . dress self . . . cn. only remember where dropped clothes.

  Good judgment comes from exp. & exp. comes . . . poor judgment.

  Before TV no one knew what a headache looked like.

  Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re 18 and know everything.

  Easier to forgive someone if you get even with him first.

  This country needs some colleges to teach everything the students think they know.

  Most people’s financial problems are very simple—they are short of money.

  It’s not cheaper car that people want—it’s an expensive car that costs less.

  Daytime TV—that’s a punishment employers have come up with for workers who stay home when they’re not really sick.

  The hardest decision in life is when to start middle age.

  Gypsy fortune teller: “You’ll be poor & unhappy until you are 40.” And what then? “Nothing—then you’ll be used to it.”

  Never start an argument with a woman when she’s tired—or when she’s rested.

  Won’t say he should be put in a mental inst. but if he was in one—don’t think I’d let him out.

  Room bugged? every time I sneezed the chandelier said Gesundheit.

  Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

  Work hard and save your money and when you are old you can afford the things only young people can enjoy.

  There are no new sins—old ones are just getting better publicity.

  Don’t close saloons—elec. day any more too many candies.—getting locked in.

  Influence is what you think you have until you try to use it.

  Poise is looking like an owl after behaving like a jackass.

  All the recipes for success have some ingredients—for nervous brk. down—it’s the amt. of each & the way you mix them that makes the diff.

  Big difficulty is [in] cutting down govt. expense is the expenses have votes.

  Absent minded patient went to dr. for a check up—got a handwritten prescription—put in a billfold & forgot to get it filled. Every morning 2 yrs showed it to conductor as a RR pass, 2x got him into a theatre—once a ballgame. Got a raise by showing it to the cashier as a note from the boss. One day laid it down—his daughter played it on the piano & won a scholarship to the Am. Conservatory. He used it to get to her 1st concert.

  Henry Etienne 1531–98—“si jeunesse savior, si viellesse pouvoit” If only youth had the knowledge—if only age had the strength.

  Can’t stand someone talking while he’s interrupting.

  If at 1st don’t succeed, don’t try Russian Roulette.

  If at 1st don’t succeed, get a h—l lot advice.

  Could read “Making of the Pres.” & not know the ending.

  Finally learned to smash the atom—should have given it to the P.O.—smashed everything else.

  If Geo. W. never told a lie what’s his pic. doing on a 39 cent $1.00 bill.

  Don’t know whether they’ll cure poverty but they sure cured wealth.

  Man’s home is his castle—looks like a home but it’s taxed like a castle.

  Don’t mind govt’s. war on pov. But use our money for ammo.

  He has all the charm of a dirty Xmas card.

  Hippie keeps stealing his mother’s beads—she hopes he’s a hippie.

  3 wise men on an island told vast tidal wave soon destroy and totally cover island. 1st would take family to highest pt. & spend last hours in meditation and prayer. 2nd live it up and try to experience ultimate pleasures. 3rd surround self with best advisors could find & learn to live under water.

  Tom Edison asked if he considered work a wasted effort after 28,000 unsuccessful exper. on a new type battery. “No—now know 28,000 things won’t work.”

  Man had nite mares every nite—big savage animals crawled out from under bed & attacked him. “Went to my brother and he stopped it.” “You’re brother is a psych.?” “No—carpenter—he sawed the legs off the bed.”

  Today—plenty of buffalo and the trains are nearly extinct.

  Cooking a TV dinner doesn’t put you in show business.

  Muggers picketing—want more parks.

  There is a legend among snakes that once upon a time a mama & a papa snake living in the garden of Eden were corrupted by humans.

  I used to think I was poor. Then they tell me I was needy. They said I was being self defeating—I wasn’t needy—I was culturally deprived. Then they said deprived was a bad image—I was underprivileged. That became overused and I became disadvatanged. I still don’t have a dime but I do have a great vocabulary.

  You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age.

  Anyone who thinks he’s going to be happy and prosperous by letting govt. take care of him should take a good look at the Am. Indian.

  Saw a chimp—could sort photos of apes and humans. Humans on one pile—apes on the other. But every time she came to her own pic. she put in on the pile with the humans.

  Mama Bear to Papa Bear: This is positively my last year as a den mother.

  We are already working a 4 day week—it just takes 5 or 6 to do it.

  You don’t have to be awake nights to succeed—just stay awake days.

  A sweater—that’s something your kid wears when his mother feels chilly.

  My son is studying Eng.—now he talks back with perfect diction.

  Police sent out pics. of an escaped convict in 6 dif. poses—A small town constable sent wire . . . have captured 5 of them & on the trail of the 6th.

  Managing ed. to cub reporter—“names are essential in every story” Cub handed in story—“Last night lightening struck a barn n.w. of town—3 cows were killed—Rosie, Isabel & Mabel.”

  Pilot to control tower—“I’m coming in please give me landing instructions”—tower to pilot—“why are you yelling so loud?”—Pilot—“I don’t have a radio.”

  Adolescence is the time when children suddenly feel responsible for answering the phone.

  If at 1st you don’t succeed, do it the way she told you.

  A compliment may be blunt, but criticism calls for courtesy.

  Prosperity is something created by businessmen for politicians to take credit for.

  Mod. styles—buckle shoes, loafers, moccasins. A man can earn his Ph.D. without learning to tie his shoelace.

  Teacher asked kid what he did to care for his teeth—“watch out for kids who shove at the drinking fountain.”

  Inflation—that’s the price we pay for those govt. benefits everybody thought were free.

  What with a major flu epidemic & a bad snow storm, Wash. D.C. was in a bad way. Reporter doing a story on the sit. called a big govt. agency to see how it had been affected. The asn. he got revealed more than intended. A cheerful voice said “we’re functionin
g normally—with only 1/2 our staff”

  Sam Levinson raised in a tenement says “never knew my family was underprivileged. We thought we slept 5 in a bed because it was more fun that way”

  There is nothing wrong with them that trying to reason with them won’t aggravate.

  Neighbor asked a little boy how many children in the family. “Seven.” My that must cost a lot. “Oh no—we don’t buy ’em—we raise ’em.”

  Govt.—like—brassiere—oppresses—opulent—uplifts—fallen & deceives—unwary.

  Can’t beat the logic of a fisherman when he wants to stay at it another few hours. One reason of course is because the fish are biting—the other is because they aren’t.

  Albert was so slow in learning to talk his parents thought he was abnormal. His teacher called him a misfit and his classmates avoided him. He failed his 1st college entrance exam—Albert’s last name was Einstein.

  If you get up earlier in the morning than your neighbor—work harder—scheme more & stick to the job more closer—stay up later planning to get ahead—you’ll leave more money when you die & you’ll leave it a lot sooner.

  Bathtub—invented in 1850—phone in 1875—for 25 years you could have a sit in the tub without having the phone ring.

  After a traffic accident, one woman rushed out of the crowd to lean over one of the victims. She was roughly pushed aside by a fellow who said “stay back—I’ve had a course in 1st aid.” The woman stood—watched the mans ministrations for a few mins. then tapped him on the shoulder—she said, “when you get to the part about calling the Dr.—I’m already here.”

  A bargain sale—where women fight for things that have been reduced in price because no one wanted them in the 1st place.

  Today the average man lives 25 yrs. longer than he did a century ago—he has to—to get his taxes paid.

  The good old days—took your horse to a blacksmith—he put shoes on it and didn’t tell you a dozen other things you ought to have done to it.

  Taxpayers—that’s someone who doesn’t have to pass a civil service exam to work for the govt.

  Housewife just has to reverse things these days—fill the shopping cart with money & put the groceries in her purse.

  Some instead of trying to drown their troubles take them out and give them swimming lessons.

  Judge: “Your age madam?”—“30 years”—J: “You may have a hard time proving that”—“You’ll have a hard time proving that I’m not—the court house where my birth was registered burned down in 1920.”

  Man took his son to visit Cong.—Boy asked “who is that man at the platform?”—“Chaplain”—“Does he pray for the members?”—“No—when he goes into the house & sees the members—he prays for the country.”

  Russian & Am. arguing about freedom. Am said “You don’t understand in my country I can walk up to the White House and go to the Pres. office, bang on his desk and say ‘Jerry Ford I don’t like the way you’re running my country.”—Russian: “I can do the same thing. I can go to the Kremlin walk up to Brezhnev, bang on his desk and say ‘I don’t like the way Jerry F. is running his country.’ ”

  Young man—Pol: “I wouldn’t vote for you if you were St. Peter. “Pol: “If I were St. Peter you wouldn’t vote for me—you wouldn’t be in my district.”

  With metric conversion upon us—of one thing I’d like to be sure: are 28,349 grams of prevention worth .453 kilograms of cure.

  You know they’ve been watching too much TV when a kid: “Mommy, I like you better than any other leading brand.”

  Your wife used to be so nervous!” “She’s fine now—the Dr. told her nervousness was a sign of old age.”

  Any man who thinks he is more intel. than his wife is married to a very smart woman.

  Middle age—when you begin exchanging emotions for symptoms.

  People who live in glass houses might as well answer the doorbell.

  Glad to pay as we go if we could ever get caught up paying for where we’ve been.

  When a woman loves a man he can get her to do most anything she really wants to.

  Cop: “Said to myself when you came around the corner 45 at least.” Woman: Oh this dress always makes me look 5 yrs. older.

  Door—Nats.Cap—“Genl. Svcs. Admin Region 3 Pub Bldg. Scv. Bldg. Mngmnt. Div. Utility Rm. Custodial”—Broom Closet

  Weary real estate man—spent all day Sun. showing a couple the model homes—finally in about the 10th model home—“here is the hobby room—do you folks have any hobbies?”—Wife—“Yes—looking the model homes on Sundays.”

  The condition of a man can be judged by what he takes 2 at a time—stairs or pills.

  The best sub. for experience is being 17 yrs. old.

  Coliseum in Rome—tour guide, “this is room where the slaves dressed to fight the lions.” Woman, “But how does someone dress to fight lions?”—T.G.—“Very slowly.”

  Country Dr. parked his old jalopy while he called on a patient. Came back to kids around the corner laughing and making fun of it. He said “It’s paid for.” Then looking at the kids—said you’re not, you’re not. . .

  Women can’t do without marriage—who’ll steady the step ladder while they’re painting the ceiling?

  I won’t say their marriage is unhappy but he went down to the marriage license bureau to see if the license had expired.

  An old French soldier after the battle Verdun: “there are no hopeless situations, There are only men & wm. who’ve grown hopeless about them.”

  Convict blamed all his problems, on his lawyer—says he kept demanding the jury give him justice & they did.

  An underdeveloped Nation—that’s one Henry Kissinger hasn’t visited yet.

  Camp director told a mother he’d have to discipline her son. She said well don’t be too hard—he’s very sensitive—slap the boy next to him & that’ll scare Irving.

  A young poet who had just sold his 1st verse walking—very despondent. Friend: “What is the matter?” Poet: “Shakespeare is dead—Keats, Shelly, Byron—all are dead. The responsibility on my shoulders is almost more than I can bear.”

  Rec’d letter “You have no guts”—A Friend

  A cit. filed a claim for Medicare payment—a dozen letters & months later found out why no payment—Soc. Security told him he’d passed away.

  Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result—Churchill

  Sgt. “Put a pair of clean socks on every day”—end of the week the recruit couldn’t get his shoes on.

  Politics—got so expensive—takes—lot—money just to get beat.

  It’s not our pub. men can’t put your finger on, so it’s our pub. We are only fleas weighing over 100 lbs. We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.